This week, it's uncertain if they're still gonna be my parents. I know they'll always be my parents but I don't know if they'll stay together. This shit doesn't happen when you're grown. It happens to families that are fucked up and the parents can't stand to be around each other. My parents don't fit that mould. I've seen parents like that. That's a fucking shitshow to be around. Lots of my friends' parents split up when we were young and they always used to tell me the gory details in minute detail. It was god awful. Especially going to each parent's house and how my mate would be treated differently and some would be used as a pawn, as leverage. The parent oblivious to how it's affecting their precious child. They would come round my house to escape the new boyfriend or girlfriend and would marvel at how lovely my parents were. How great it was that I had normal parents that loved each other. How lucky I was to only have one bedroom in one house and not have to worry about twaty bastard step mums or dads.
Until now. At least I have a vast collection of friends who've been through it. Who knows what to expect and how to avoid the pitfalls. But, in a sense I don't have anyone to turn to because none of my friends' mums upped and deserted them. It was the dad. Always the dad. This is what I'm struggling with. What my friends will think. They’ll judge me harsher.
I need to tell my brother. I don't know why my dad expects me to not only tell him that mum went missing for a while but also may want to divorce him. Dad said it's because mum usually does this sort of thing. I don't know what he means by this 'sort of thing'. I guess having difficult conversations with your gay son is 'too much' for my spineless father to cope with. I'm being unkind. I know I am but it's his fault she left in the first place. I've got to stop placing blame.
I'm trying to get pregnant, you see. So, my emotions are all over the place. Well, my emotions have always been all over the place not just since I've tried... I mean, we've tried for a baby. I’m really very different from my parents who don't seem to have many feelings. You will know exactly how I'm feeling all the time because either it will be evident or I will tell you my specific feelings and how they affect me. My partner says I emote too much and I should be more like my parents. Ha! You mean too scared to talk to my own son or too afraid to talk to anybody? No. I'll do anything to keep from turning into my parents. Just think about your mum and dad. Do you want to become them? Parent exactly how you got parented? Not change anything for the better? Yeah, That's what I thought!
I think my parents need to go to couples therapy. It helped me and my partner. My partner has a low sperm count. When I was younger I thought it would just happen automatically whenever I decided the time was right. It didn't. I blamed him at first. Not directly. Which led to us going to see a head doctor. It was kinda like a 3 way conversation where I would say what I thought and the therapist would interpret what I actually meant to my partner, then he would respond and the doctor would tell me how my partner actually felt about what I said. Sounds weird but it worked…or, at least I think we both understand each other a bit better. My partner thought I was blaming him, which I was. Well, I ain't the one with no swimmers, am I? Whereas now, my partner believes I'm not blaming him. You sort of have to lie to stay together. We can't afford IVF. Well, we're on a NHS waiting list. I don't want to adopt. So, I'm just lying to get up the duff quicker, less hassle
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